Wise Ideas

Reversal of Fortunes

What do moms from coast to coast, with 1 kid or 4, in the city or the suburbs, have in common besides the instinctual need to hoard all cash and protect their their families?  They all are - apparently - mad at Dad. 

Those are the findings of an extensive and most-read new poll on Parenting.com right now.  There are dozens of different statistics in the survey, but they all point to the same conclusion:  moms say they are so incredibly frustrated at their husbands and partners due to the uneven split of home and parenting chores -- that they are literally sick over it.  

Among the findings:  "half of the moms describe their anger as intense but passing; 1 in 10 say it's 'deep and long-lasting.'" Also, "44 percent are peeved that dads often don't notice what needs to be done around the house or with the kids."  And "40 percent are also angry that their husbands seem clueless about the best way to take care of kids."

It's no wonder that there's been so much talk about a recent NYTimes Op-Ed article by Stephanie Coontz, which says in a very elegant manner that "over the past two decades many researchers have concluded that three’s a crowd when it comes to marital satisfaction."  In other words, kids kill marriage.  

But while all the sociologists, therapists and scientists continue conducting their polls and research, a sea change in the Great American Middle Class Family may already be underway -- thanks (or no thanks) to the Great Recession of 2009.

As The NYTimes reports, "a milestone may be at hand" because "women are poised to surpass men on the nation’s payrolls, taking the majority for the first time in American history."  This is because the vast majority of job cuts our nation is suffering right now are in manufacturing, construction and other male dominated industries.  Jobs held mostly by women - in health care and education, "are less sensitive to economic ups and downs."

Bottom line:  mom is becoming the sole wage earner while dad is taking over tasks on the home front -- a trend that is expected to last the length of the recession (18 months?) if not longer. 

Sociologists are probably salivating at the chance to see if the frustration level of moms drop as they become the main breadwinners -- while that of dad rises to new heights as he takes on the unforgiving schedule that is the life of a Stay-At-Home-Mom. 

It's bound to be a grand experiment in trading places.  And just one of many life-changers forced on families by the recession.  And that's not necessarily a bad thing.......

Calling in Sick

I'm calling in sick today - a rather pointless thing to do, as any primary parent/mom knows.

On one hand, this post today will be short and have no links to interesting articles, new statistics or thoughtful op-eds.  Rather, it will be brief and to the point.

On the other hand, my other job goes on unimpeded by my hacking, sneezing, sniffing, malaise, exhaustion and general bad mood.  Moms don't get sick -- they just do their jobs a little slower and a lot more crab-ily (OK, it's not a word - sue me!).

Just because Mom is sick doesn't mean Dad doesn't go to work that day.  That means Mom still must get the kids to and from school, dance and swim team.  The bills still must be paid and meals must be made.  The school auction isn't going to go away either.....and invitations must be printed and distributed. 

Anyone who says being a mom isn't a job hasn't taken the time to think it through.  When you feel like crap - it's worse than a job.

'Cuz you just can't call in sick.

From Outside Looking LinkedIn

Social networking is a generational thing.  But in these anxious times, even Luddites are linking up online.

The under-40 crowd, (with the exception of artists and musicians who embraced this trend early), is all about MySpace, FaceBook and Second Life.  However, older folks by the millions have started creeping into the social networking space using employment as an excuse.  And the brand that best fits this profile is LinkedIn.

In the past month alone, I've received at least a dozen "invitations to connect on LinkedIn," which "over 30 million professionals use to exchange information, ideas and opportunities."  Curiously, the invitations I have gotten are from people I actually see and chat with in person or via email weekly, if not daily.  Connecting to them via LinkedIn seems - well - extraneous.

However, as Americans grow more uneasy about their jobs - sites like LinkedIn are growing.  Chicago Tribune reporter Kyra Kyles even has a name for it: "nutworking."  "Nutworking is a form of bizarre business conduct common among unemployed or underemployed professionals who aggressively seek job help from former colleagues and friends, using every piece of technology at their fingertips."

At the World Economic Forum in Davos last week, LinkedIn founder and CEO Reid Hoffman told TechCrunch that his company is growing by about 1 million users every 17 days - (but that was before Macy's laid-off 7,000 people).  Hoffman did NOT say how the demographics of those users trended.  But, as Silicon Alley Insider reports, considering FaceBook continues to grow at a rate seven times that of LinkedIn, I'd venture to guess that the LinkedIn people are the parents of the Facebook types.

A primer on the benefits of being LinkedIn can be found on the blog of Silicon Valley marketing and VC guru Guy Kawasaki -- who excels at not only networking but self-promotion as well.  In his post "Ten Ways to Use LinkedIn to Find a Job," Kawasaki points out that the 30+ million members of LinkedIn represent some 140 industries, and that "most of them are adults, employed, and not looking to post something on your Wall or date you." 

His ten tips - which would work for any job seeker or nutworker - end with the increasingly relevant suggestion to "Build Your Network Before You Need It."  At the rate pink slips are flying around these days -- it's no wonder baby boomers are logging on and linking in, in record numbers.

From: http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2009/02/10-ways-to-use.html#ixzz=065aoWUIE

The Caroline Dis-Connect

I admire Caroline Kennedy.  I appreciate Caroline Kennedy.  I even applaud Caroline Kennedy for the private way she's chosen to lead life in a very public family.  But I don't -  I can't - relate to Caroline Kennedy....as a woman, mother, philanthropist, volunteer, a job applicant, or anything.

This, from my perspective, is the fallacy of the media-driven discussion regarding Caroline Kennedy as a role model for mothers trying to re-enter the workforce.  It started in late December with a Washington Post column by Anne Glusker, headlined "She's a Kennedy, But She's a Lot Like Us."  Glusker wrote "If you strip away the glamour, the name and the money, then Caroline is ... me. And many of my friends."

Glusker's theory of "Caroline as every-mom" continued a week later, when the Associated Press's Karen Matthews wrote "with her Camelot pedigree and Park Avenue address, Caroline Kennedy is not exactly the average American woman. But many women identify with her impulse to enter the work force after two decades of child rearing."  

That AP article ran in newspapers across the country, re-igniting the unfortunately named (and some might say non-existent) "Mommy Wars" between stay-at-home and working moms.  Since then, the morning TV shows, cable news and talk radio have featured every woman who's ever written a book about the Mommy Track (and there have been toooooo many of them) weighing in on Caroline's qualifications - both for the Senate and for role model status within the mom community.   

Then finally last week, Susan Dominus wrote an essay in the NYTimes about how Caroline is "Coming Up Short as a Role Model for the Mommy Track."  "A 50ish stay-at-home mother looking to Caroline Kennedy for career inspiration is a little bit like your average suburban mother of twins looking to J. Lo for tips on how to lose that baby weight."

Thank you Susan, for thinking beyond the beltway where the rest of us American moms live. Ms. Kennedy's pseudo-run for the Senate looked NOTHING like your average woman's attempt to re-enter the workforce after raising children. 

The New York Senate gig is all about politics, prestige and power.  The job a former Stay-at-Home mom is trying to land is all about household finances and personal fulfillment beyond family. If women re-entering the workforce have any role models at all --- they are probably other women they actually know who have preceded them into the workplace. 

I know, I know --- Caroline Kennedy as "every-mom" makes for good copy and good TV.  But what an average "re-entry" woman does when she gets turned down for the first job she applies for (and she will get turned down) --- is applies for another job again ---- and again ---- and again.  

And -- as King Arthur sings to Guenevere in the Broadway musical of Camelot, "that's what simple folk do."

The Office (Party)

Memo to staff:  quit your moaning about the cancellation or reduction of the annual office holiday party.  I haven't heard this much whining since last year, when it turns out the recession actually started, and bosses first started cutting back on canapes. 

According to the Washington Business Journal, "a recent survey by Battalia Winston Amrop, a New York-based executive search company, found that 81 percent of businesses are planning a holiday celebration this year, a record low in the 20-year history of the survey."

Hey - at least you're getting a holiday party.

I work in a business where there is no office party.  In fact, there is no "office."  Just a desk, a laptop, a printer, a phone, and a bunch of stacked papers in need of filing.  I am part of the 20 million or so work-from-home contractors, freelancers, run-your-own-business, stay-at-home parent types who never get the joy - or humiliation - of attending a holiday office party. 

According to the latest U.S. Census figures, approximately 3.6 percent of Americans worked from home in 2005. The statistics show there are a lot of us in cities including Austin, Texas (5 percent); Colorado Springs, Colo. (4.9 percent); Portland, Ore. (5.3 percent); San Francisco (6.3 percent); and Seattle (5.1 percent). 

Maybe we just should have a work-from-home office party flash mob at some bar or, even better, somebody's house!  Just not mine.

Some businesses that are finding holiday flings a bit tasteless in this financial crisis have turned their annual fete into a charity event.  For example, as MarketWatch reports, OfficeLinks, the premier provider of ready-to-use offices and meeting rooms, has chosen "A Night of Giving" as the theme of its holiday celebration this week.  Benefiting from the frivolity will be City Harvest, New York Restoration Project and Big Brothers, Big Sisters.

And before you bosses go and cancel your holiday "do" this year, don't forget that if you do, you're taking money out of the pockets of the caterer, bartenders and whos-its whose job it is to make your party happen.

That was the point former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown made to gazillionaire Gordon Getty -- who recently called off his 75th birthday fireworks bash.  However, as the SF Chronicle's Matier and Ross report, "the Gettys are making good for the companies and their employees who would have staffed a collection of party tents four times the size of the St. Francis Hotel ballroom."  Although there was no shindig, the help will still be paid at a cost to the Getty's of $5 million.

And finally, consider this - which I dug up from a 1966 archived New York Times article titled "The Office Party Is Called Humbug": 

"The Christmas office party-- that delight of cartoonists and bane of personnel managers-- is beating a sober retreat from New York this season.  A number of executives said in interviews that the fundamental reason for Christmas office parties, namely to raise employee morale, no longer seems to apply.  'They're a mess,' declares George C. Whipple Jr., a vice president of Benton and Bowles, Inc. 'Daddy gets drunk and Mommy gets mad.'"

Some things never change...except these days mommy's getting toasted, too.  However, it was this nugget in the same 1966 article which I leave you with this Friday:

"The Christmas office party first flourished in the Depression, when many workers could not afford an evening on the town."

So workers of America -- whether from home or the office -- it's time to party like it's 1929!  Have a great weekend!

Logistics and Fulfillment, Baby!

Ahh Friday.  The calm before the storm.

Our family is facing one of those weekends that happens every couple of weeks when the social and the sports activity calendars collide to form the perfect scheduling storm.  Or should I just be honest and call it a nightmare.

Two soccer games at the same time but NOT at the same field.  Two end-of-season soccer parties also at the same time but NOT the same location.  A playdate and sleepover for my 8-year old daughter.  An evening birthday party for my 11-year old son. And a 50 mile drive north on a dark, twisty two-lane highway for a swim meet.  And that's just Saturday!

For a lot of parents with older kids, this is a common weekend schedule.  My husband only half-jokingly calls it "logistics and fulfillment," as in "what did you do over the weekend?"  And because my husband is traveling on business all next week, I won't really see him between today and next Friday, because we'll have to "split up" in order to meet the aforementioned weekend obligations.  

This explains why I had to chuckle when I read The Wall Street Journal's working parent blog called "The Juggle."  "One night last week I missed my three-month-old son’s bedtime for the first time. Oh, and I slept through the conclusion of the election," writes Emily Friedlander in a post titled  "Confessions of a Juggle Newbie."

Friedlander, who just returned to work after having her first child, sounds absolutely crushed over missing her baby's bedtime - and far less distressed about missing Obama's victory speech.  But the entire post struck me as blissfully naive --- the same exact state I was in 11 years ago.  The same exact state you were probably in with your first one.

For new working parents, "the juggle" is all about balancing work and life in order not to miss a second of your baby's developmental progress.  Multiple kids and 10 years later --- it becomes all about missing stuff.  For instance, during this weekend's juggle, I'll be missing my son's final tournament soccer match and party in order to be with my daughter at her game and party.  And my husband will be missing my son's swim meet in order to taxi and entertain my daughter.  And we'll both be missing each other!

As families grow older, "The Juggle" as we've come to call the whole balancing act, is about so much more than just the work/life equilibrium.  It's about finding a rational way to meet every member's wants and needs - which also means deciding what can be sacrificed without any permanent damage (and I'm sorry, but missing a birthday party won't KILL my son, although he acts like it will).

So back to Emily Friedlander, who ends her post by saying she'd "love to hear about your first taste of the juggle and the lessons that you learned–or didn’t.  Are there other things that you’re always be striving to keep pace with?  Share your experiences."

Emily, I've got two words for you.  Logistics and fulfillment, baby.....logistics and fulfillment.

Have a safe and sane weekend.

Sarah Palin: The VP Pick that Keeps on Giving.....

This, as the description written above states, is a blog "that sifts through the cultural, social and lifestyle issues and trends that affect your and your family."  It is also a blog that, because of my gracious host Mom-Wise, focuses a lot on the moms of today and how they perceive and impact the world of marketing, branding, advertising and the media in general.

It is not a blog about politics - a subject which I attempt to steer clear of, that is unless a story screams for a mom/marketing perspective.

That noise you're hearing this morning is the Sarah Palin story screaming its lungs out.

What started out last Friday as an obvious strategic political move by GOP presidential candidate John McCain, has turned into an octopus of a story that millions of American families are discussing this morning - but not in the "apple pie" way the McCain campaign had probably intended. 

The "narrative" the GOP was seeking to promote was all about how a plucky, smart, conservative, young-ish, pro-family mother of five had risen through the ranks of the PTA to become Alaska's "reformer" Governor.  Whether it was vetting-gone-horribly-wrong or some bizarre republican experiment to push the limits of Rush Limbaugh's loyalty, the narrative has turned into one of family dysfunction and possible misuse of power, teen pregnancy, drunk driving, and a renewed debate over family/career balance for today's working mothers.

"It’s the Mommy Wars: Special Campaign Edition," says The NYTimes this morning.  "But this time the battle lines are drawn inside out, with social conservatives, usually staunch advocates for stay-at-home motherhood, mostly defending her, while some others, including plenty of working mothers, worry that she is taking on too much."  That sentiment is echoed in articles and on blogs to numerous to link to this morning.

Unfortunately, as we learned from the greatly reviled Mommy Wars I, this is a debate with no right or wrong side.  Just lots of angry women on both sides, tired of having to defend the choices they've made in life.

And speaking of choice - the teen pregnancy twist brings up several interesting discussions that will take this issue well beyond Juno.  As Washington insider and WaPost On Faith writer Sally Quinn put it, "this may be a hard one for the Republican conservative family-values crowd to swallow." 

However,  evangelicals are spinning like they've never spun before.  "It doesn't matter if it's a conservative, liberal, or an apolitical family—these things happen," Chuck Donovan, executive vice president for the Family Research Council tells U.S. News and World Report.  Somehow, I just can't imagine the far-right would have the same reaction if - say - one of Barak and Michelle Obama's daughters came home with the same news. (Obama, himself the product of a teenaged mother - has chosen to stay above the fray by saying its a private family matter)

While Hurricane Gustav may have temporarily taken the wind out of the sails of the opening day of the Republican National Convention, Hurricane Bristol, as the story involving Palin's 17-year old pregnant daughter is being called, put all the attention right back in the GOP's lap.  The Republican National Convention, like all political conventions, is all about branding and marketing your candidates.  And you can bet there's some major damage control going on behind the scenes this morning in Minneapolis.

It brings a whole new meaning to Labor Day, doesn't it.

Procrasti-Nation

If you are reading this blog instead of doing something else waaaaaay more important on your To-Do list....you may be suffering from a chronic and serious disease.

At least that's the belief of Professor Joseph Ferrari of DePaul University in Chicago, who says the art of time-wasting has become an affliction that is now ruining millions of lives - threatening careers, relationships and health. 

In an article that's got the procrastinator-rich blogosphere buzzing, Professsor Ferrari tells the UK's Observer that "chronic procrastination is now so serious a condition it needs to be recognized by clinicians."  In a study to be published later this year, Ferrari estimates that one in five of us classify as chronic procrastinators.

And because we are a people that always seeks to lay blame - this increasing number of uber-procrastinators is being blamed on technology.  It seems the conventional wisdom among experts in this field is that computers, the Internet, mobile phones, iPods and the like are providing too many distractions for us humans to concentrate on more important matters.

And while procrastination is part of the fabric of this nation (Congress is the definition of the word), Ferrari says this is no laughing matter.  "It encourages depression, lowers self-esteem, causes insomnia, and indirectly affects health by discouraging visits to the dentist or doctor. Sufferers are also more likely to have accidents at home involving unmended appliances," the Observer notes.

But it's not the health impact of procrastination that causes the most concern.  It's the economic impact.  As Yahoo's "Working Guy" blogger Christopher Null notes, "that little chime that rings when an email message arrives, says research from Calgary University, causes a 0.5 percent drop in the Gross Domestic Product here in the United States, costing the country $70 billion a year, as employees are distracted from the task they're supposed to be focused on."

But not everyone who procrastinates does so by wasting time online.  I, for instance, often pick a home cleaning task to "waste" my time on while I put off other business.  If it wasn't for my procrastination tactics, my house would be a pigsty!  Little did I know that this is known as "structured procrastination," and is the subject of an essay (and website) by Stanford philosophy professor John Perry.

"The key idea is that procrastinating does not mean doing absolutely nothing," Perry writes.  "Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, like gardening or sharpening pencils or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it."  Perry's website, StructuredProcrastination.com, even features a picture of the author "jumping rope with seaweed while work awaits."  Perry is my new hero.

I'd like to see Professor Ferrari and Professor Perry square off in a debate on this issue --- which I think I can safely say ALL of us can relate to.  For now though, you can listen to this recent discussion of procrastination on NPR's Talk of the Nation.

But then again, that would be procrastinating, wouldn't it. 

Workforce Equality At Last! Now the Bad News......

I spoke with a good friend of mine this week after not connecting with her for about six months -- a lapse that doesn't involve any hurt feelings or blame.  Just a fact of life we both accept.  However, she has a much better excuse than I do.  She has twice the number of kids...with the youngest age 2-and-a-half and the oldest age 11.

She moved out of the city to the suburbs six years ago - yet we've kept in touch.  We've met with the kids for zoo, lake and museum excursions in the summer and during school breaks, often with another friend and her kids. We all even used to take a summer moms camping trip with all 9+ kids.

But in recent years - particularly since the birth of her youngest - these playdates have fallen off our expanding agendas. While I waded tentatively back into the workforce (albeit on my own terms) and became heavily submerged into PTA business - my suburban friend stayed fully on the mommy track, juggling four kids and all their activities, filling out her already jammed schedule with volunteer gigs at both her church and in her kids school.  A more exhausting life than I can even imagine.

So when I spoke to her on the phone this week, I was not shocked to hear fatigue and frustration on the other end of the line.  The toll the mommy track has taken on my friend was undeniable. "I just want to go back to work," she moaned in an uncharacteristic moment of weakness, as the sounds of kids-gone-wild reverberated in the background.

I didn't have the heart to tell her about the front page headline in that day's NYTimes:  "Women Are Now Equal as Victims of Poor Economy." A study released yesterday by the Joint Economic Committee of the U.S. Congress has found that - among other things - women who left the workforce in the past decade to raise their families are having a much harder time re-entering as a result of the crummy economy, and little-to-no chance of getting the wage they once enjoyed.

As the report notes, when the Bureau of Labor Statistics first started noticing a decrease of women in the workforce a few years back, experts believed the reduction was due to an increasing number of working women joining the so-called Motherhood Movement.  That is, taking a hiatus from work and choosing to stay home with the kids for a few years. 

Now experts say the bad economy is preventing many of those same women - whose kids are now older - from returning to jobs of equal pay and stature.  The good news here - if you can call it that - is that men are having just as much trouble in the workforce as women these days.  According to democratic congresswoman Caroline Maloney of New York, vice chairman of the committee that issued the study, "women have been striving for equality with men in jobs and wages, unfortunately what we've achieved is equality in losing jobs during recession." 

Not exactly the kind of equality we've struggled for all these years.

But this wasn't the news my stressed out suburban friend wanted to hear as she was wrangling her  crabby toddler into the car and racing off to take two of her older kids to swim lessons.  What she didn't want to hear is that - although it's the toughest, lowest paying job in the world - home is not only where she needs to be right now -- but where she's probably stuck until the economy turns around. 

Summertime Envy

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF The Kitchen Think, May 31, 2007

I have always maintained that the alleged "war" between working moms and SAH (Stay at Home) moms is a figment of the media's imagination.

But there is a definite division between the two - and it's called summer.

For kids whose parents work outside the home, summertime is filled with camps and classes from 9 to 5...or more likely 8 to 6 with before and after-care scheduled in.  It's a costly but necessary proposition in order for mom and dad to stay employed and keep those paychecks coming until school resumes in the fall.

For kids who have a SAH parent, summer is a much more leisurely experience.  Maybe a camp or two here or there, some day trips, picnics and plenty of free time. 

In The Wall Street Journal's "The Juggle" blog this week, writer Jamie Heller says "usually I’m glad I’m a working mother, but there are about 100 days a year that I get downright jealous of stay at home parents. Those days started this week and will probably end around Labor Day."

Well I've got news for you Jamie...the jealousy goes both ways.  There are plenty of summer days, particularly those filled with sibling bickering and household chores that HAVE to be done, when SAH's would KILL to trade places with their working counterparts.

For a SAH during the summer, just trying to find a play date for your kids so you can go grocery shopping or to a doctor's appointment alone is hell, because everybody else's kids are in camp because their parents both work!

So while working moms may think that their SAH counterparts are sleeping in, lazing in lounge chairs and reading summer novels while the children happily play....the opposite is often the case.  Sure, there are relaxing moments -- but running Camp Mom is not as easy and leisurely as it seems from the outside.

Now I understand why my mom couldn't wait for school to start in September.