First it was Michelle's arms. Now it's "Elaine's" abs. I did not see that coming.
As anyone who has stood in line at the grocery store check-out counter in recent days already knows -- Michelle Obama's rock-hard arms on the cover of Vogue are being challenged by the rock-hard abs of 48-year old Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the cover of Shape.
My first thought - "who knew" - was quickly followed by remembrances of the Seinfeld years when "Elaine" wore tent dresses to hide her pregnant and post-pregnant body -- just like the rest of us middle-aged moms. However -- those thoughts were even more rapidly followed by pangs of jealousy and the sad realization that my abs, regardless of how many hours I spend in the gym, will never, ever look like that.
Oh, "Elaine" --- what have you done!? From beloved "every-girl funny-girl" to object of envy and resentment -- all during one trip to the grocery store. Not even the hint of a nipple on a Christmas card can repair the damage those abs have done to my image of you.
Not that the guys don't appreciate it. "Sure, there's been some airbrushing, but at this point I'd like to welcome back my Elaine Benes crush," one obviously male write posts on TheSuperficial.com.
Of course, in the age-old tradition of magazines like Women's Health and Shape, cover "models" dish on their health and fitness secrets. In the April Shape, Julia/Elaine confesses to keeping chocolates in her desk drawer, admits that her "biggest food vice is bacon," and says she keeps healthy by spending a lot of time outdoors and shopping at local organic farmers’ markets. If it were really that simple, all of us mothers-of-two would be walking around in belly shirts and low rise sorts.
This would be hilarious material for a Seinfeld episode if it weren't so....so....frustratingly unrealistic for the millions of us 48-ish year old moms struggling to retain some semblance of our 30-something bodies. None of us ever expected to look like Madonna at age 50 --- but to look like Julia/Elaine? That somehow seemed realistic - until now.
The only thing that could make the resentment go away is for Julia/Elaine to come back down to earth by turning her cover photo into comedy -- maybe during the upcoming reunion appearances with her Seinfeld buddies on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Reality-based comedy gold!
Almost as "funny" as NYTimes Op-Ed-ster David Brooks comments about Michelle's biceps to fellow Op-Ed-stress Maureen Dowd. “She’s made her point,” he said. “Now she should put away Thunder and Lightning.”
On second thought - how about a show where Julie-and-her-abs and Michelle-and-her-biceps become super heroes in Spandex and save our country from economic and humorless disaster. Oh, that's right...it's already happened in the Female Force comic book series.